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when lucifer wins

You drove the point home last night and again this morning. I get it. I have no real choices. Not even the most insignificant choice of when to sleep or when to wake or the position to place my hands or sleep in. The only choices I have are the ones you choose to give me. My life with you is hopeless, pointless, not my own: You own me. I hate you now more than I thought possible. I can’t fight it any more. You made sure to nail that hate firmly in place. You reminded me I am nothing. Not even human, just thing, just possession. My struggles to dig myself out of the sickening pit have been made fruitless and wasted. Lucifer is laughing over his victory. You stole any hope of even fooling myself that I had any control over anything that matters to me. All I can feel right now is hate in my heart and pain in my body. I am sick to know that you are satisfied and even happy with what happened and what you did to my heart, body, mind and soul. Even If you never do it again, you did do it and wanted to do it. You have worked nightly for weeks and months and really years to accomplish it. It’s done.

Read all the books

Alrighty then I have now seen many journal type entries like mine. So I don’t feel so completely off target. The blogs on this site are so completely random I don’t feel the least bit out of place anymore. Although I do puzzle over some of the things I’ve seen and read. It’s like being in the middle of a vast library and knowing you will never read all of the books. It can be a bit discouraging but it is what it is. Keep calm and carry on, right?

Thank you

for the follow… :)

What?

  • What is this? Haha! It's a chat post for pete's sake. So let's chat....she said to no one....lol!

Flukes and Lemonade

I still have not yet found another blog that is like this one.  This occasional journal I keep is getting to be more and more obviously the wrong way to use this outlet.  So I probably will have to find another way.  I am not sure why I feel the need to publicly write out my thoughts.  They aren’t profound or unique or entertaining.  It is probably because, like everyone, I have these two worlds I live in.  My outer world and my inner world.  Outer World is doing fine, y’know.  It’s all good with OW.  She smiles a lot and doesn’t talk trash about anyone.  OW rolls with the punches and makes lemonade out of lemons.  Inner World is a little harder to hang with.  She tends to be a Debbie Downer and people don’t like to hang around her.  But that’s okay with her because she doesn’t really like people, anyway.  Trouble is IW hardly ever gets to express herself.  People don’t ever see her or hear from her and if they do, they think she was a hallucination or a fluke or something.  So I guess this is really, for now, a way for IW to get out for a bit.  Get some air and exercise so she doesn’t go nuts.  I suspect most people have their own versions of OW and IW.  I just don’t know how they cope.  Something’s gotta give sometime, right?  So be fairly warned that things could get dark around here.  Even though right now it looks like OW decorated the place, we all know it’s just a cover.  Maybe IW will redecorate when she feels like it.

Confident teachers help preschoolers more with language and literacy skills →

Poolside

I recently went to a party to celebrate the end of the school year.  My friends and I work at a school.  Our principal threw the whole faculty a lunch at a nice local restaurant.  When it was over a small group of us headed out for our real celebration.  We all gathered at one home and spent the remainder of the day poolside, cackling like a bunch of hens. 

I don’t go to parties much.  I’m not really sure how I got included in this little group of ladies.  I have always been a homebody, shy and introverted, often wondering if I might even have some kind of social anxiety disorder.  So getting invited to join this group so frequently has taken me a bit by surprise.  But I enjoyed it this time with a much lower level of anxiety than usual.  I hope this means I am finally getting over my issues.  Because as one of the young ladies remarked poolside, “This is such a blessing to have a group of close friends like this with whom you can just be yourself!”  And she is right. 

Many years ago…a favorite picture of one of my kids.  I finally caved and I am posting a picture.

Many years ago…a favorite picture of one of my kids.  I finally caved and I am posting a picture.

Just 15 minutes

I am still trying to figure out Tumblr.  I don’t see a lot of text.  Just pictures and more pictures with captions.  And links.  A lot of links I see.  I wish I had more than 15 minutes at a time to spend exploring.  But it is one of so many other things I want to spend more time on and, to be honest, not exactly high on the list.  I don’t really know how people get the things done that they do and still Tumbl, Tweet, Facebook, and Pin.  On top of learning Tumblr, keeping up Tweets and status updates and Pins, I want to spend more time making my jewelry, or honing my Photoshop skills.  I would rather read.  I never have enough time to read.

If I hired a housekeeper and a cook, and didn’t have to go to work, I’d be golden.  I love my job but I need a life in a parallel universe to thoroughly enjoy that and all my other interests.  So if I did all that…I might have time to do all the things I would love to do.  Maybe.  Probably not. 

So I really need to learn how to use this site.  Maybe I should be posting pictures of my jewelry here.  Or some of my photography.  I just don’t think people would be interested in that stuff, and frankly, I don’t think I have enough material.  And that isn’t exactly what I hoped to do here.  I should probably find something more suitable for my needs…but I only had 15 minutes to spend…. 

late to the party

Yes, I know I am late to the party but I can’t do much about that now.  I don’t have a title for my blog because that’s how I roll.  Undecided.  Maybe that should be the title.  Okay, I’ll give it a whirl.  I only really started this blog because I am going to implode soon.  I thought maybe this would be a release valve of sorts to keep that from happening.  I know it’s going to come out all emo and negative, but that’s because I have no trouble letting my positive feelings out in “real life”.  The negative stuff stays inside all safe and secure, until it isn’t anymore (so safe and secure), and I feel an implosion coming on.  So now it is way too late in the evening for me to really vent, but at least I got it started.